I'm a mother, an attractive wife, a good housekeeper, a compelling artist, a cool girl, a keen gardener, a kind person… There are many sides to me, and I have criteria and functions for each of them. They are written out… In my head!
Every day, I subconsciously check the boxes, keeping track of the things I did or did not manage. Didn't make dinner – well, you must be not such a great housekeeper after all. Shame on you. Your letter got rejected. Which means you can't handle the role of a compelling artist. Shame on you. Especially given how easily and smoothly everything is working out for others. Raised my voice on my kid. Not a good enough mother. Took a nap. Lazy day? And you call yourself a housewife? Not up to the task! Snapped at work. Then how can you claim you're a good person? Good people don't get mad! You see where I'm going with this?
WE are the ones who subconsciously make up the criteria and functions for each of our roles, and expect ourselves to accurately perform them.
When a mismatch happens, we start devaluating ourselves and our work, feeling ashamed and guilty for not being "this and that". Moreover, we attribute our made up obligations and criteria to other people, and expect them to carry them out in detail. Who said a compelling artist is the one who gets invited to concerts? Why can't they offer a concert to an organizer themselves? Who said an organizer is supposed to accept all offers? Why can't they reject you? It's up to us to sort out the roles we play, to take notice of them in action, and to rewrite our functions, if we don't like them. If this world only exists in your head, you have the right to change your own rules!
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